Quick life update

Changes

I love adventure and change and all things new. 

I remember being what 13 or 14 and spending 2 summers away from my parent's in Colorado Springs with my Auntie. Didn't phase me I navigated thought the airports the second summer with out a hitch. Flown multiple times to Chicago on my own to meet up with family for Christmas. I've grey hounded a few times to see Friends. And flew to L.A and the Philippines this year alone. I love travel. I love seeing new faces and places. I LOVE change.

And now I'm about to make the biggest change of my life and I can not be more excited and terrified in all my life. I've never had a hard time leaving home. Because I'm not a home body. I like being out and about. And never really felt like I had a home base. I felt most at home out places then at home. (Don't read too much into this) I never really clicked in anywhere as a kid. I had friends. And I love my brothers and sisters. We definitely got along well (mostly). But never a place where I could walk in and just breath and feel at home.

 I did however get a taste of that when I was about 14 or 15 my first summer at camp. I felt like for the first time…I didn't have to be perfect I didn't have to hold in all in. But even still that was only for a summer and I knew the summer had to come to and end. So I always found myself holding my true personality back. Never goofed off or was silly. I didn't even know me or accept me. How where other people supposed to?! 

Later on through unlikely circumstances I came to know a wonderful family. And for the first time in my life I could walk in and just breath. I could be in a terrible mood. And they could take it. I could slowly start to deal with all the emotions I never knew how to deal with in a healthy way. I could find out just who the crap I was! And as this unraveled I found parts I actually liked…And parts I hated. My faith grew and I felt like for the first time I was able to think clearly. Not bogged down with a million different thoughts….You see I used to be such a people pleaser (at this point my family is probably laughing because of just how little I did to please them. And how horrendously rebellious I was). But let me try and paint a picture for you. 

When I was 12 I went to a youth group event and was sitting in the bathroom trying to untangle the knots in my hair that had formed thanks to my first introduction to hair spray. When two girls came in I was around the corner and they didn't know I was listening. (yes I tend to eavesdrop I would be sorry but people are just so fascinating) and one was saying how so and so was disgusting because they breathed through their nose and the other one said how gross it was to breath through your mouth.…..And for what ever reason that hit me. The fact that I would be judged by these two beautiful girls because of they way I breath! let alone the fact that I didn't wear makeup didn't have nice clothes. Didn't talk about girl stuff. And spent most of my time outdoing the guys in everything I could. I spent all night changing the way I breathed for these two girls. Who I didn't even know their names!! Constantly changing breathing thought the mouth to the nose to try and not get they annoyed. I didn't want to be their friend. I just wanted to stay off their radar. I didn't want to be noticed for anything. That day I totally and completely broke. Stupid eh? Something as small as that? But I realized making people happy is impossible. And I really gave up then. 

Now why tell you this ridiculous story? Because it shows you just how damaged I was. That was the start and I can promise you it gets way worse from there. I got into all sorts of trouble trying to find acceptance and trying to push the world away all at once. Trying to understand people…I just didn't understand them. 

So needless to say when I found that family that loved me. And brought me in…Checked up one me. And drew me close when I acted the worst. Even when I tried to do the inevitable and have them leave me….They still called. Still messaged. And finally I let them in. I had a family. (again don't read into this to much I love my brothers and sisters a lot) But not just a family. A family that chose me. I was chosen not stuck with. Not obligated to be loved but chosen. And that fact alone opened up a whole world of what a family looks like. And through the 4 years I've known them I've moved in and out of their home as life had it's ups and downs. And my faith and my emotions had finally levelled out, I felt close to God. But not an emotional high. Just a steady presence.

Now in put in the picture Frank. This wonderful man sweeps me off my feet. Even after I tried so hard not to be. He treats me like gold and again I have this feeling of WOW! Someone chose me. Not out of self pity this time. but a just wow. He wants me there are so many beautiful girls in our friends circle and he chose me? How crazy is that?! And he actually lets me be myself. My over emotional…or at least over passionate sometimes under emotional self. And it wasn't long at all until we got engaged and I started to really think what my life would be like now. 

Now I am about to move to a small-town. And it's the scariest thing I've ever done. Yep that's right. Me the girl who boasts about being independent and traveling. About living in the north end her whole life and enjoying it. The girl who likes to take the city bus because of all the strange things that happen. Yep I'm scared to move to a small town. Mostly excited. Mostly super super super excited. But on nights like tonight where I'm about to have to say goodbye one again to the family I lived and learned to love this past 4 years. It makes change scary. I've had the awesome pleasure of having my best friend and her daughter up to camp to help be get ready this past week. And tomorrow morning we drive them back to the city. 

You see for the first time in my life. I'm leaving people I know. People who know me. For the first time my adventure is permanent. It's not a trip. It's not a vacation it's forever. And that's awesome! Again it's like this mix between yes Frank!! :D and oh yeah….my whole life is changing.

I'm ever so grateful for the personal foundation I've gotten this past 4 years with these wonderful people. They are the reason I am ready to get married. And have a good head on my shoulders. Taught me to question my faith and really count the cost of following Christ. And what that really looks like…..Funny as I type this out. I realize Frank does all that and more, he encourages me to follow God and my convictions, he's been a really good sound board when I'm trying to figure things out. He does not at all let me have pity parties…Seriously he's so positive it's annoying :P. Nor does he let me get uppity about other people. He always protects me. Always hopes for the future. He (apart from Christ) is my rock. 

And suddenly moving isn't scary anymore.